Ghoulies, Ghosties & Things That Go Bang In The Night

Well it’s All Hallows Eve Chez Sid and Tony, the butler, has a birthday today so that tells you all you need to know about his proclivities! He’s all pumpkins, funny teeth, bats, capes and white-face make up, bit of a div if I’m really honest. The long and short of it is that the staff are going out to fill their bellies with posh nosh and leaving me to my own devices at home. Still, at least it gives me a bit of peace and quiet and I don’t have to do any of these ‘sit, stand, lie down’ tricks which I find very boring and I can do standing in my sleep if I really want to - the treats are merely an incidental and welcome side effect of my perfect performance. So off they go but before they leave I have to go through this pathetic charade of the external ablutions  out in the garden. I mean, I ask you, am I likely to despoil my small pen with wee, or worse, unnecessarily. I have had the odd accident but my bladder was much smaller then but, hey, we still have go through this palaver as though I’m still a pup. For goodness sake I’m nearly four months old, that’s almost two in humans years. Anyway, I’m mid-squat on the grass (there’s a strange compulsion to ‘raise a hind leg’ whispering in the back of my brain which is slightly disturbing, feels like I’m having a stroke, but I’m ignoring it for the time being) but I digress, I’m mid-squat when there’s a whooshing sound followed by a loud bang and before I know it the old survival mechanism has kicked in and I’m heading back to the sanctuary of the kitchen. Didn’t half give me a start but Lynda had a handy treat and those seem to have the capacity to induce rapid amnesia. The staff had a hurried conversation about The Event and it transpires that humans have a rather touching if somewhat childish affinity for sparkly things and things that go bang, a bit like the Native Americans had for shiny trinkets when the first settlers landed in America. (I know, it’s amazing what you can pick up from the TV while relaxing on the butler’s lap in the evenings. I’m soaking stuff up like a sponge. Sponges there’s another interesting subject and oh’ look - a squirrel.) It’s all very childish but the staff are worried lest I develop an over-sensitive reaction to ‘fireworks’ I believe they’re called. Not worried enough to stay home and cuddle me senseless though so they turn on the radio and bugger off for their posh blow-out. So now I’ve got two noises to be concerned about, inane Radio 2 drivel from some hyper-active babbler in between ‘music’ and potential aerial explosions which go off without warning. Honestly these humans, what do they use for brains? In the event there were a couple more pathetic pops but I seem to be able to cope with them through two layers of glass. The ‘music’ was far worse. Perhaps I can get them to leave Classic FM on in future though I despair for their sensitivity. They are a bit thick. Still it could be worse I was perusing the web and came across this...

... I trust someone will shoot me before I sink to this level. Oh the indignity.

Other than that life proceeds apace and I meet loads of new people on my daily exercise some quite pleased to see me others not so much. I keep meeting new dogs most of them considerably bigger than I am. I say bigger but, of course, I’m referring to height only. In terms of character and ego I’m difficult to match and most of these much taller dogs are a bit slow. I expect the nerve impulses have that much further to travel so everything just slows down. Mostly these guys are pretty civilised and either ignore me completely or give me a couple of cursory wags which is a bit patronising but, I suppose, only to be expected for the new kid on the block. I’m guessing they’re a bit threatened at so much charisma in so neat a package. We’ll see how it goes.

Back later with more news from the undergrowth - that folks is a description of my hunting ground not my diminutive self. Laters...

The Devil Strikes Out

Ain’t that just typical no post for ages then two come along almost simultaneously. Apologies dear reader but just had to let you all know about the latest adventure - The Agglestone. The what? I hear you cry and well you might. 

High above Studland Bay looking out towards the Isle of Wight, Christchurch, Bournemouth and Poole Harbour is a big lump of rock around which much folklore is woven and I’ve been there. How about that.

The majestic Agglestone overlooking Studland Bay

The story goes that the Devil, aiming for Corfe Castle, threw a big rock from the Isle of Wight towards the aforementioned fortification. However what with the fires of eternal damnation distorting his perspective, not allowing for the headwind, not having the chance to do any bracketing there being only one rock and his right arm being weak, either from casting sinners into the pit or from having someone sitting on it (in an ‘if it’s good enough for the Big Guy it’s good enough for me’ sort of mood) he missed by, it has to be said, more than a mile. The stone, for that it was, dropped short and landed on Godlingston Heath about a quarter of a mile short of the golf course. Personally I think he was playing golf and should’ve listened to his caddy and used a nine iron but you know these fallen angels, they just think they know it all. Anyway, the long and the short of it (or the short of it really) was that his ball/rock landed on Godlingston Heath and now stands there for all to see, a testament to Old Nick’s failure at projectile theory. At some point it became called the Agglestone and to this day stands overlooking Poole Harbour and Studland in silent testament to Old Nick’s impotence.

The majestic Sid parking his arse on the majestic stone

Now I suspect this is all baloney but it’s a good tale and it has prompted myriad folks to trudge across this rather unprepossessing bit of scrub to see a lump of rock in the middle of nowhere or almost in the middle of nowhere (he couldn’t even get that right ). Lynda & Tony, being no exception to the lure of tales of Devil hurling, loaded me into the charabanc, drove to Studland and let me loose on the Heath which was Huge Fun. The smells were outstanding, all heather, peat and undergrowth mixed with indeterminate scents which I had never before encountered. Much chat was batted back and forth between the staff about the stunning views but, as you may have noticed from my pictures I am somewhat vertically challenged so my horizon is only about ten feet in front of me and much of this breathtaking vista was completely lost on moi. I was picked up once but I was so busy swearing at the mongrel I was being ‘saved’ from that I completely forgot to register the view and my breath remained firmly where it was supposed to be. Asthma inducing visions or not I had a ball. Laid siege to the stone, tried to dig my way under it in the soft sand, pursued tantalising scents into impenetrable gorse and heather and generally wore myself out in some style. At one point a strange slithery scent wafted its way in the direction of my nostrils but Tony distracted me before I could pin it down and, by the time I got to its source, there was nothing on the path but bare sand. Some words were bandied around by the staff and ‘smooth snake’ was in there somewhere but since I have no idea what is ‘smooth snake’ all I’m left with in another uncategorised scent. More questions than answers. But hey, I’m very zen and I’m not letting it worry me over much. No doubt all will become clear eventually. 

That’s about all folks. Thanks for reading and stay tuned.

Chin chin.

The Scent Also Rises

Just realised that it’s ages since I've posted and my apologies for that but life is busy, busy, busy. Meeting people, new places, new dogs and most of all expanding my scent palate is so exhausting that by the time I'm back home just the thought of picking up a pen is more than I can face. Everything is just soooo exciting.  

Days begin generally with a quick tour of the garden to check that all the night visitors have left. Some of them like to outstay their welcome and worse leave me little scent presents as if this was their territory instead of mine! Bloody cheek. The cats are the worst, at least that what I think they are - definite feline pong off 'em anyway. Sometimes there's one still lurking in the undergrowth and I see them off PDQ. They make a satisfying sort of thud as they hit the fence panels and the sound of frantic scrabbling up the woodwork is just the icing on the cake. It's quite an art staying just far enough away to not actually catch them while ramping up their panic. But I think I've got it down just right. I just don't know where I get my talent. There's a much bigger smell that haunts the garden in the early hours but from the size of it I'm sure I don't want to meet its owner. I’ve come across a similar one while taking the staff for their daily exercise over Durlston Country Park and, although I investigate, I don't stick around long enough to meet its perpetrator. I have a feeling that mother passed the 'caution in the face of Badgers' gene down in her milk. I just seem to know instinctively to avoid close contact. They're a pretty uncouth lot badgers, their latrines are all over the place on the Country Park and they're enormous!( the latrines that is) Looks like someone has emptied a whole carrier bag full of pooh all in one place and they're best avoided really unless one was hunting badgers of course. Then a swift roll in the latrine might be in order. The things one does for one's hunting vocation! Luckily I can leave that sort of thing up to the German cousins, the Dachshunds, they seem to like that kind of hunting.

These guys are best given a wide berth

Talking of the Country Park, that's my usual stomping ground and its tremendous fun even if I have to drag the staff around with me. There are so many different dogs up there that there's a new experience every time we go. So far I've met Viszlas (strange accents and no vowels), Terriers(fancy themselves a bit if you ask me), Labradors (lugubrious characters and a bit thick), Retrievers ( not much ambition, bit of a one trick pony if I'm honest), more Shih Tzus ( worse accents than the Hungarians and humourless owners. Also looks like he’s been punched in the schnoz and I can’t say I’m surprise about that!). All canine life is here really. Most are great and well up for a game of chase and if they’re not I can usually provoke them enough to start the ball rolling.

The smells are outrageous, Durlston must be a proper Sodom & Gomorrah at night and I have no real idea of what goes on after dark but the smell landscape is mind boggling and canine, vulpine, feline, mellivore, rodentine and avian pongs abound. Make me quite dizzy and my brain is fizzing by the time we get home. Tires me out for all of five minutes. I think I’m a bit ADHD.

Anybody for ritalin cocktail?

The servants, Lynda & Tony as they like to be called, are coming into line nicely. As I think I've mentioned previously they're not the sharpest knives in the drawer but they get there eventually and I can rely on a steady supply of nourishment some of it even quite palatable. They don't seem to understand the necessity for me to sink my teeth into their digits whenever I get excited but they'll just have to get used to it. There's only so many concessions I can make for them. On the plus side they're kinda warm and have some well moulded slot into which I fit nicely.

That’s all for now peeps but stay tuned to the inter webs for more of the profound prognostications of El Sid. Adios.

Puppy Training? Human Training More Like.

Bit tardy with the latest post people. Apologies but life has been just hectic. Got a trip back to the V-E-T where everybody made a big fuss of me and I got lots treats. Cynic that I am, this usually means some heinous event has been perpetrated about which I am completely in the dark. I do seem to have developed a small lump on my neck suddenly. I hope it’s not serious. Somebody now knows where I am at all times and I'm told that my movements can be tracked to the nearest millimetre. Why anyone would be interested in my pooh is anyone’s guess but I’m not bothered. If you’ve done nothing wrong you’ve got nothing to fear as I’m assured and I'd guess I don’t take up much room on the GCHQ database. Speaking of my pooh the staff collect it in little plastic bags which is very touching. They must have quite a collection by now and I’ve resolved to try and deposit my baby teeth where they can be easily located. Maybe I’ll leave them stuck in the kitchen chair legs. 

Try as I might, the ears have insisted on Living La Vida Yoda as you can see. The humans seem to think they're cute but I find they take just a soupçon off my top speed which is a pain. Just have to live with them I suppose short of finding a pair of scissors or standing a bit close to a bacon slicer there's really no choice. 

Look at the size of those things! Will those slow me down or what?

The staff took me out to another strange place where there were a selection of other young canines some of them quite nice really. Took a bit of a fancy to a sheltie who looked mighty fine until she opened her mouth when everything went south quite drastically. God help her mate, he’ll need a set of ear plugs. Dreadful accent with a terrible sharp edge to her tone. Gave me the shudders and quite quenched my libido in nothing flat. Most of the others were much bigger than I am but I’m blowed if I’l back down. The punk mohican got a serious outing that evening.

There was some ‘training’ during for which I could ‘earn’ nibbles of either cheese, which I’ve never had before, or some smoky tasting meat confection both of which were really tasty. Made me concentrate intensely I can tell you and I got loads of praise and, more to the point, loads of tidbits. I’d like to go again and soon. I’m getting lots of ‘training’ at home and consequently lots more treats. One further advantage to this process is that the staff, Lynda & Tony, seem to be responding well to the training too. They’re fairly quick learners I’ll give them that.

Love those treats.

Taken back to the beach where there’s loads more seaweed on the sand which makes a great shake toy though it tastes pretty foul frankly. Met a couple of ShiTzus (not sure what the plural is I’m afraid) and one was quite civilised but the other… well to say she was a fishwife is to understate matters by some considerable margin. Couldn’t understand a word I’m afraid, sounded Chinese but who knows. Reminded me of sis and made me quite maudlin for a while. I kinda miss the little bitch. My low mood never lasts long luckily ‘cos there is so much to see and do.

Another bunch of humans called in recently from Ireland. Nice people but weird accents and a strange peaty smell. One of them was about to be seventy so ten in human years…I think. Big deal. I don’t know what all the fuss is about but it seems to be some kind of achievement. Have to say he’s not wearing so well for a ten-year old. 

Today there’s water falling out of the sky. Now Lynda has a thing she calls a water pistol which is directed at me when she thinks I’m too demanding. This morning I’m shoved out before I’ve had time to do anything untoward and within seconds I’m soaked. How is that fair? I haven’t even had time to transgress in any way. I don’t understand this latest turn of events. No doubt all will become clear…or not.

Signing off now from Maddening Towers. Toodle pip folks.

The Beach, The Garden and Another Little Prick

Your roving reporter here, signing in for another update of my dirty life and times. 

Life, as they say, is just one damn thing after another. Yesterday the staff took me back to what they refer to as the V-E-T (they think spelling is beyond my capabilities. Well it may be but smelling isn’t and neither is my sense of direction lacking in any way). Same kennel, slightly different smell because it’s a different V-E-T this time. No brighter than the last one as it turns out. They all seem to approach hands first, towering above me even though I’m on a table which is a bit scary and I respond in the only way I know how - with a verbal warning. They seem particularly insensitive though, don’t understand or pretend not to. Either way they keep coming and I give a second louder verbal warning with some curled lip. The maid holds me tighter which make matters worse really. If she’s tense then there must really be something to worry about cos she’s huge! (Tall I mean, the butler’s warned me about lax terminology. Says it’s got him into some very hot water. Not sure what that means but it doesn’t sound good.) Any road up, my alert status goes from green (squirming, wagging and general obsequiousness which I’m very good at) to amber (growling not wagging) to amber plus (louder growl with a slight curl of lip) to full on red (dental retaliation )as the hands keep approaching. Didn’t connect though, this one is quiiick! Eventually she resorted to the usual bribery and I managed to sink my teeth into something even if it was just a liver morsel. I was weighed again - on the cat scales which is somewhat humiliating and smells of cat wee and feet. I’ve smelled better. Anyway, after a significant amount of blether I got that stinging sensation in the back of my neck again and it was out in to the adjoining room where surprise, surprise there was another puppy the same colour as me. Much billing and cooing was done over this Spaniard I think it was called. Strange ears I thought, how does he keep them out of his dinner? Probably doesn’t ‘cos he smelled as if he was saving a bit of food for later. So, more chat, more hilarity and its back in the tin box with the wheels and home and thank goodness that’s over.

You looking at me?

I’ve just about got the garden mapped out - there’s some steps down to a flat bit grass, some gravel, a bit of jungle which is great fun to stalk things in. Haven’t found any prey yet but I’m sure there’s some in there somewhere. I’ll keep looking. Everything is completely fascinating and some of it is even edible if a bit fibrous. The staff don’t seem overjoyed by my adventures and the ‘no’ word seems to be hurled about like they’re getting royalties every time it’s used. I do try but, hey, life is just so interesting and seems to try and burst out of me without warning. I’m sure there’s a much much bigger dog inside me trying to erupt every now and again. Luckily these fliddies seem to make the staff laugh which defuses an otherwise tricky situation. (I suppose it’s a laugh, there’s a lot of teeth but it doesn’t seem in any way threatening and it’s often followed by cuddles to which I feign resistance because I’m a bloke aren’t I? Secretly I’m rather fond of the cuddles thing.)

Yesterday afternoon I was taken to see another lot of boats which seemed to have wheels this time. Probably some sort of amphibious vehicle. The earth was very soft not stuck together like the stuff in the garden and not nearly as much fun to dig in. Strange taste too with little bits of dark green rag-like vegetation sprinkled around. Try as I might I couldn’t make it squeak, hard as I shook it. There was water too like last weekend but this was a teasing sort of liquid because no sooner had it approached than it withdrew again. Bit of a puzzle but luckily I not bothered by water it was quite salty though. A couple of ne’erdowells ambled up the beach but I showed them my hackles and they mosyed on and left me in peace. 

My first beach trip

Finally, I’ve twigged that the maid’s name is Lynda while butler’s moniker is Tony so I’ll get all egalitarian and call them that from now on. Don’t want to go all David Cameron though I will keep them at arms length - staff are staff when all said and done.

Onward and upwards dear reader. Toodle pip.

Lessons In German and Swimming - A Tiring Day

My goodness, there's a steady procession of humans through this kennel. I think the servants must be interviewing for more staff. They all come in and make a beeline for me which I find somewhat rude really. They haven't even been introduced. Still some of them bring toys which I can only think are some kind of bribe but I have fun destruction testing them anyway which makes the inconvenience worth while - mostly.

Went out in the noisy conveyance yesterday and down to something the staff call ‘the boat’ which turns out to be a sort of floating kennel tied to the riverbank. The staff seem quite keen though so I thought I'd humour them and pose a bit.

I think this is definitely my best side.

The smells were interesting though and at one point I was accosted by an enormous German Shepherd lookalike who was incredibly forward poking his nose into places I’d rather he didn’t. I’m only little so, on the 'discretion is the better part of valour' principle I hightailed it out of there. I’d forgotten about the lead and ended up like a demented animated Swingball with Hermann bearing down on me with a wicked grin. All in all it was not a little scary and the hair on my back went all Sid Viscious on me and stood on end like I’d been electrified which I suppose, in a way, I had. Not looking forward to meeting Hermann again - not much sense of humour.

The day ended with the maid trying to teach me to swim by diving off the jetty in the most ungainly way. The butler dropped my lead, presumably to supervise from the bank, leaving me to my own devices and I made for the jetty to offer some enthusiastic encouragement. There seemed to be a lot of to-ing and fro-ing for a while and the staff got quite wet. I didn’t learn much though and I think they’d forgotten I’m a quadruped so their flailing about was quite lost on me. Maybe I could teach them. The whole episode was very tiring and I slept very well after it.

I have this strange compulsion to follow on the staff’s heels as close as I can get which is slightly hazardous since, if I loose concentration, I sometime get a toe in the snout which makes me yelp and head for the bed. I’m learning to dodge this hazard quite quickly but it’s not without it’s painful lessons. The butler says if I can’t take a joke I shouldn’t have joined which is a slightly brutal attitude IMHO. I’ll show him!

All for now. A bientôt folks.

Sunbathing, Cardboard & A Pain in the Neck

It’s been over a week in this new kennel but I can’t seem to work out my name. Sometimes it seem to be ‘No’, sometimes ‘Sid’ though differentiating between Sid and Sit is not easy for a non-native speaker I can tell you. It’s all a bit puzzling but I think I’m getting the hang of it. The maid keeps putting an itchy band round my neck which I can just about tolerate but then, to cap it all, she attaches another long rope to it and walks me round the garden. I’m sure all will become clear sooner or later but for the time being it’s odd. 

 Can’t complain much since there are useful sun bathing platforms all round the place where I can just chill which, to be frank, I’m quite good at. Perhaps I’ve found my métier in which case this may not be a bad gig when all said and done.

I have all sorts of toys which make odd noises but my absolute favourite is the cardboard tube I sometimes get when the maid or the butler come back from the bathroom. That’s great fun and rips up nicely. I’m currently trying to find out how many pieces I can produce from one of these and how many square feet one roll will cover. My record so far is the whole kitchen but I think with a bit of forward planning I can stretch it to two rooms fairly easily. It’s a work in progress.

Was taken out in some sort of conveyance to another kennel-type establishment which smelled of weird, chemicals with just the faintest soupçon of fear. Odd sort of place but interesting 'cos there were another couple of canines in there, one who didn't speak the language well though he didn't say much and a brown puppy a month or so older than me who did nothing but yap at everybody. Annoying and shrill 'look at me' thing going on. I was suitably aloof keeping a watching brief as it were. In an adjoining room a complete stranger in a very un-fetching green outfit poked me about without so much as a 'by your leave' Oh she tried to ingratiate herself with me and the staff before manhandling me but I saw through the charade I can tell you. Gave her a piece of my mind and no mistake. I wasn't rude but firmly put her in her place. I will not be objectified, it's so last century! She didn't entirely get the message 'cos there was a brief point at which I got a sharp sting in the back of my neck. I couldn't see much but I'm sure she was behind it and me for that matter. I'll have to keep an eye on her, she seems a bit sneaky. Anyway the whole episode didn't last that long and we were back home in no time. The visit  has left me a bit weary so it's off to bed for me. Nighty night.